she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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