is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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