His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
