the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
