I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
