we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
