WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
