Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
