i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
