Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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