Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
