the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
