my phone needs a breathalizer
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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