he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
