My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
