ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
