just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
