yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
