First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
