i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Drunk is not a location!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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