if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
