So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
