If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
