Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i wish my penis had a tongue
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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