new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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