yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
