i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
