he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
