Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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