threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
