I need help removing her.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
