Some one left their pants in the elevator.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
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Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
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But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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