When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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