dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I will pee on everything he values.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
