Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
