apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
