my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
