I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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