So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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