No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
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Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
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She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.