Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
COCAINE IS GR8
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