I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
