and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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