All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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