Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
