Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
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