Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
