The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
