Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
