she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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