If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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