1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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