mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
