Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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