I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way