I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.