i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.