life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
this just has baby written all over it
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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