At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
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