he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
