I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
