I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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