My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
