Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
