Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
