Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
