Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
