he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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