I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
True college students do jello shots in the library
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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